I initially took a break from social media to completely focus on my healing. For the past three weeks or so I’ve felt this tugging on my heart that it was the right time to share again. I’ve resisted it. I’ve tried to ignore it because I convinced myself I was too weak to start again. But here I am, typing away on my laptop with a rhythm I don’t know if I’ve ever felt.
A few months ago, I started to feel the weight of other people’s pain more than I ever have. I read stories and responded like it was my responsibility to fix a thousand broken hearts all on my own. The world’s pain became my pain, on top of the pain I was already feeling from my own situations I had no control over.
It is not my job to make someone’s pain go away. Or on an even larger scale, (which to be honest I do feel sometimes) the world’s pain.
All I can do is throw love out and let Love do the rest.
Being head-over-heels authentic was something that came easily to me at the beginning of my journey. More recently, I have curled up in a ball and hid from sharing my truth.
I signed with a modeling agency in New York City at the end of August and the eyes of society came glaring in on me. I felt that my ability to share my truth was looked down upon. I honestly felt a loss in my life not interacting with my Finding My Verse community. As much as you may feel I have helped you, you have given me hope in my darkest days. I stuck my foot in the door before it was about to slam shut on my face.
I will write again and trust that I’ll know when and what I need to share. I threw my dust covered hands in an ocean and shouted that I’m ready to let go. The salt began to heal my wounds and soak up my doubts and here I am. I’m here and that’s enough.
During my absence from social media I got to the point where nothing was helping. I came toe to toe with the edge of a cliff. And that’s where the voice within me whispered the word “silence.”
“Jacqueline, you need a period of silence. You will find healing in silence.” I was going to talk therapy twice a week for three months straight and I got to a point where I felt like it was making me worse. I left feeling more anxious than I did when I walked in. I saw memories in my dreams more vividly. Shouldn’t therapy make you feel better over time? I don’t think talk therapy is for everyone. It’s not always the answer.
I needed a break from anxiety. I needed a break from pain every single day. I was so worn out. You don’t even know. And I needed peace.
I was fighting for myself for so long and nothing was working. But it wasn’t my fault, I knew that. I knew I needed peace as much as anyone. I was fighting as hard as anyone. I decided I had to choose to be selfish if I wanted to be okay. I think being self-focused to heal yourself is actually one of the most powerful acts of selflessness.
Letting go has been blindly throwing myself backwards in a trust fall, but no one is physically there to catch me. I just have to trust I won’t get hurt to the point I can’t move. Somedays, I did believe I couldn’t move and I stayed in the same place for a long time. That was uncomfortable. But eventually I found my movement again. I do every time. Because that is who I am.
I’ll never hit the ground hard enough to break every bone in my body. And if I do break a bone, it will heal. Bones always heal with a little time and a boatload of love. Like a ton of love.
Blindly leaning backwards is the only way I’ve found healing. I release my balance to lean into Love. And that is exactly what ends up hurling me forward.
This is what it took to discover what healing means for me. To become familiar with the language of my soul. To be okay with not being okay all of the time.
Healing is the most beautiful gift I have been given. My healing is my beauty. It is a textbook to life that no mastermind could teach me. It brings me to discovering who I really am.
Pain is the blessing that leads to the lesson of knowing what it means to be a human who doesn’t live for herself. But rather, living for the greater good of the entire universe. That is why I am here. To lead every single soul that steps into my Verse, closer to Love.
The more I learn to accept that not being okay is temporary, the less I feel threatened. The less not being okay has the power to threaten me, the stronger I become.
I am not broken because I feel every single emotion more strongly than most. I am not fragile because I have been broken more than most. My ability to feel is my power. I care and breathe out love without even being conscious of it. My ability to love is like my ability to breathe. My soul does it without a second thought. My breath never gives up on me, so I will never give up on myself.
This is what I’m learning.
These are the words letting go is giving me. These are the words I string together to believe in myself. I’m really, actually, finally believing in my own words!
Let go with me. Grab my hand and let’s make a trail together. We’ll walk until we reach the end of our path.